Today is my Angels first birthday. Usually for our children we have a small family party for their first birthday, with the grandparents. It’s a joyous and happy occasion. We are celebrating first steps, first words. They are starting to run and play with their siblings and other children. They are always so cute and fun at this age. On this day though we spent our celebration at the cemetery. Just me and my husband with our 8 other children. There were no first steps, no first words. There were no mommas or daddies for the first time. No smash cakes or birthday wishes while candles were blown out. There were only memories and silent hidden tears as we tried to celebrate a life gone to soon. 
We took cupcakes and had balloons. Each balloon had a message on it from us to Kolob and we released them to float high up to Heaven. My 3 year old, Malachi, asked me were baby Kolob lived. He answered his own question by stating that baby Kolob lived in the flowers. The flowers that we take to his brother every couple of weeks. He then asked if baby Hadassah, our three week old baby girl, was going to stay with us. He said he didn’t want her to have to leave too. It’s amazing to me how much his siblings remember him and how much they love him. 
Matias loved most the releasing of the balloons. He still talks about how Kolob got to see them in Heaven. They each enjoyed writing a special message to their brother.
Not a day goes by that he isn’t thought about and talked about. He has been in Heaven for 8 months now. Sometimes it seems like so long ago and other times it seems like time has just gone by so fast. I can remember the day he was born and the feeling of sorrow as they took him away to a different hospital. I hated all those days he was in the NICU. Looking back now I am grateful to have those peaceful times there where it was just me and him and I sat and held him for hours. Those are wonderful memories to have. I can remember the excitement of bringing him home. How much fun it was to take pictures of him and just cuddle him and watch him grow. His siblings loved holding him, they even helped feed him and change his diapers. There are a lot of wonderful happy memories to look back on and cherish everyday.
I will also never forget finding him blue and lifeless. Trying desperately to get his little heart back to beating. Trying to comfort my children as they took him away. My heart was shattered and I felt like I could explode at any moment. In my mind I was running and screaming, I was tearing apart at the core of my being. When they loaded his little body onto the life flight helicopter I could feel my son standing beside me holding my hand. I knew at this moment his spirit was no longer in his body, but I wasnt ready to accept that he wasn’t going to make it. God, I said, you can still fix this you can put him back and he can be ok. It wasn’t until hours latter sitting beside his hospital bed watching him bleed from his eyes, mouth, nose, because his blood had lost all ability to clot, it wasn’t until that moment that I finally accepted he was not going to make it.
In this moment all the screaming, rage, and exploding with in myself came to a pause and peace filled my being. I knew that God wanted him home and that it was really going to be ok. It was in this moment, this peace that surpasses all understanding, that I became the most grateful for the knowledge the gospel had brought into my life. The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. The knowledge of a life after death and families being together forever. The sealing keys that bind us as a human family to each other and bind us in our families to live forever in a Celestial world. Knowing that Kolob is alive and well, enjoying a happiness beyond anything we can feel here. My sorrow is deep but my joy is full and my blessings are beyond number. Happy Birthday sweet boy of mine!! You are loved and missed desperately but we know that you are happy and doing Gods work even now. We can’t wait to meet again!!!!!
A stay at home mom 